I don’t know what happened, but lately, whenever I descend this particular flight of MMDA stairs as I rush to school, I’ve been feeling uneasy. I try to keep my cool but deep inside my heart beats faster and louder. I try to brush off the irrational fear, but it’s there. I’m scared of falling.
Strange, because I don’t feel the same going up, or even going down the other side as I go home after a day at work. Maybe it’s because the pace is faster in the morning, when everybody is in a rush to beat the bell and are more likely to bump you, which will lead to you falling down the stairs (yes, it’s just my imagination but it CAN happen!).
Stranger still, is the fact that I know that if I were asked to jump, I could (and I actually might, depending on what or how much is at stake, hehe). Add to that the fact that through these years, I have climbed and jumped from several places like this,
(That’s not my tummy bulging, just the ribboned strings of the shorts under my top, silly.)
this,
and more.
Which led me to thinking as I was going down those stairs oh-so-carefully one day: What is the difference between falling and jumping? And I figured, a lot. Both are risky, but one, to me, is more acceptable than the other:
Jumping, no matter how crazy it may seem sometimes (provided that the person is sane, not gullible, has a good self-esteem and is not self-destructive), is done with one’s own safety in mind. Falling disregards, or simply does not afford you time for, that.
Jumping is voluntarily taking on a challenge; falling is merely a result of being clumsy or being pushed unexpectedly.
Jumping is springing into action; falling is becoming a victim of chance.
Jumping is being responsible for the outcome; falling gives one a chance to simply point an accusing finger.
Jumping has a goal, a direction; falling is simply allowing gravity and other forces to decide for you.
Jumping leads to other actions/ activities; falling leaves you stumped after.
Jumping is an informed decision; falling is not.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I, too, have fallen. Many times. And despite the scratches, scars and bruises, the falls have helped me in some ways; like the way falling from the Kamias tree had helped wean me from thumb-sucking when I was 6, those sorts of helpful things.
(Good thing that pineapple plant wasn’t there yet! And don’t be puzzled, back then it had big branches starting at mid-section - see the cut one at the left side?)
I guess I just don’t like the cluelessness, the naivete, the helplessness, the “blindness” and most of the time the (pardon the word) stupidity, of falling. In normal situations, nobody wills himself to fall, unless he is self-destructive or the gullible type (but the presence of "will" makes it still an informed decision, which makes it a jump already and it’s negative consequence a pre-conceived one; negative cancels negative, so it will still come up positive for the person if he achieves his aim to hurt himself, right? Oh, but we digress). Falling can be destructive. That’s why even though I don’t always fight it, I don’t look forward to it either.
So as I go down those stairs I will walk slowly, watch my step or hold on to the railings to keep myself from falling. But yes, I might jump, if you ask me to. Let’s just make sure first that I’ll have a soft landing or that the stakes are high. And that you’ll jump with me.
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